Soap Roundup: April Fool’s Week 2014

I’ve been too lazy to dig through my assortment of recorded episodes and do any sort of write up about them, so in lieu of that I’ve decided to speak as well as I can about what is currently on-air for the soap fan—provided they are willing to keep a very open mind.

General Hospital

I heaped praise upon GH weeks ago in this very blog, which was apparently the kiss of the death.  The show has recently gone off a cliff, devoting weeks and weeks to Sonny whining and moaning about AJ before the Quartermaine was unfortunately killed off the show, coinciding with Sean Kanan’s departure and defection back to The Brooke and The Boring.  AJ’s resurrection started out with much promise, but things turned pear-shaped when Tracey took over ELQ and ousted he, Duke, and Michael from the company.  All three characters suffered from a lack of story momentum, and I don’t think we’ve even seen Tracey visit the office since then.  AJ spent the next several months staggering around town drinking, being accused of Connie’s murder and vanishing for at least a month.  His nicely-developedromance with Liz was quashed without much thought.  AJ’s death was integrated into the show’s 51^st anniversary, an episode that featured a nice performance from Leslie Charleson while reminding us yet again that Monica’s family has been decimated; she has lost her husband and all three children, and the only other inhabitants of her home are Tracey and the increasingly-grotesque Luke (and he didn’t have far to go in that respect).  But the worst part of this all may be that Sonny has finally won:  after years of he, Carly, and Jason trying to sever AJ’s tie to his biological son, the die has been cast.  Quite frankly, Michael’s best moments over the past year and a half have been with AJ; when paired up with Napolean Mobster and Freaky KiKi, Chad Duell seems stuck in aspic.  C’est triste.  We have also had some uneven storytelling due to Robin’s departure, which was a major letdown.  I’m going to agree with another column I read—either recast her or “kill” her again, because having her play Super Doc to cure a bunch of sociopaths and murderers seems like a waste of a character who has been off and on the show since I was an infant.  This storyline has also resulted in much confusion over what to do with Patrick and Sabrina; the former performed AJ’s surgery, while the latter has all but vanished from the canvas.

Now for the good, however:  the reveal of Baby Ben’s true parentage at Nik and Britt’s engagement party was classic high-drama, trapping everyone on an island and creating a “bottle” scenario for truths to come to life and emotions to explode.  I hadn’t seen it so well done since Caroline revealed Parker’s paternity at his christening on “Days of our Lives” (and his paternity has been switched so many times that they’ll never know who the kid is).  Nik let Britt have it and tossed her from Spoon Island, but not before he ripped into Liz.  He later came by to apologize, so a point in his favor.  It will be interesting to see where Britt goes from here; she was already an outcast in Port Charles, but Nikolas loved her in spite of her shortcomings, both of them bonding over family psychoses.  Now she and Brad have reunited as friends—will they continue to be partners-in-crime or is redemption in the cards for these two?  Port Charles certainly has more than its fair share of villains running around these days, and you damned near need to wear a Kevlar vest any time you’re in the same room with Ava Jerome.  Still, I remain steadfast in my desire for some balance.  Have Michael bond with Monica now, and take his place in the Quartermaine mansion.  Bring Danny around, too.  Where is that kid, by the way?  He must have an on-call babysitter.

A final request:  give Bobbie a storyline.  Put her with Scotty if necessary.  I don’t care.  If Jacklyn Zeman is willing to do it, give her something to do.

The Bold and the Beautiful

Everyone is upset that Ridge and Katie, two single, divorced individuals, hooked up.  I guess it’s terribly sanctimonious in Forrester-land to have sex without infidelity or being a home wrecker (all eyes on you, Brooke).  But if you’ve watched this show for longer than five minutes, you know that Ridge and Brooke will eventually reconcile no matter who they have to hurt in the process.  But in other news, Oliver has been released from the basement and is having scenes with people other than nameless models.  Has anyone ever existed on a soap for so long without having a storyline?  I don’t mean wisecracking nurses and such, I mean someone who started out with genuine front-burner stories only to fade into the Daddy Yankee-induced background.  I feel sorry for Zack Conroy, though at least he still gets a paycheck.  He was such a dynamic young actor on Guiding Light, a show that was dying—a show that was dead!  It had a toe tag on it, and he was giving it his all.  But like so many before him, his vitality was zapped by Brad Bell’s loss of interest.  Even “The Young and the Restless” gave him screen time last year, in a somewhat-random crossover. What, there are no photographers in Genoa City?  Malcolm Winters, you are much missed.

So Eric has put Brooke back in the structure at Forrester Creations.  We all know that Brooke has done every position at FC—just every position—and now Eric is favoring her and Rick over Ridge.  Oh well.  I wonder if Thorsten Kaye and Jacob Young are bemused by working together in both Pine Valley and Los Angeles?  Rick accuses Ridge of throwing a hissy fit.  Well, he would be the expert.  Rick has to leave because he apparently can’t handle Aunt Katie and Brother/Step-Father Ridge kissing. Weird.

To Guiding Light land!  Oliver and Maya are talking about his being fired and Aly walks in.  Uh-oh, don’t be fooled by that smile, Ollie.  Girl is a psycho.  I’m still not sure how Aly is supposed to slot into the corporate structure.  To hear her talk, she is the COO or something, and Eric’s go-to in all personnel decisions.  Ollie asks Aly to go out with him.  Run, Ollie, run!  Back to Springfield if you can.  Aly declines because she has to feed her goldfish.  Oh, my God; they might as well have had her say she had to go home and wash her hair.  Then Ollie tells her the goldfish will be fine, and she relents.  I predict yet another addition to the long, long list of characters on this show with sexual hang-ups (Jake McLaine, James Warwick, Pamela Douglas, and even Hopeless Logan herself).

Eric is conspiring to reunite Ridge and Brooke.  Oh, my God, Eric, just marry her yourself and get it over with!  This matchmaking thing is creepy, and Stephanie would haunt you forever if your plan worked.  I’m fascinated by how Eric seems appalled by Ridge and Katie.  Didn’t he marry her other sister?  Gag.  Now Eric wants Ridge and Brooke to be the face of Forrester Creations, at least until Baby Rick and Anorexoline take over someday.  Still not sure why those two were paired up and married off.  Now Ridge is trying to get Eric to put him back in charge of FC.  Did I mention that I miss Stephanie?  This show is random without her to guide it.  Well, at least Thorsten Kaye and John McCook seem more age-appropriate as father and son.  Regardless of Massimo.  Also, it’s more than a little kinky that Eric is trying to blackmail Ridge with Brooke.  I wanna cringe, but I shouldn’t be surprised. 

Poor Carter and Maya.  Do these two have anything to do but sit around and stare into each other’s eyes?  Ollie and Aly arrive at the restaurant (aww, how cute—even their names rhyme!) and it looks like he wants some of that.  He might as well—this is the most story Oliver has had in years.  Oh, dear.  I am seeing shades of Kyle and Summer here.  Apparently Carter is friends with Ridge.  This is so odd.

Brooke and Katie.  “I hear you have a new position.”  Nah, Katie, Brooke has done them all.  LOL.  I wonder if they would ever actually let Katie win in a fight versus Brooke.  You can tell they’ve been pushing the Ridge/Katie pairing in the press, but I don’t know how long they’ll run with it.  “So am I supposed to be Taylor in this situation?”  Go, Katie!  Smack her head!  Bite her!  Okay, the catfight was in my imagination.  At least they’ve given Katie a backbone.

“You’re staring.”  Geez, Carter, what else does Maia have to do but stare at the other stories happening around her?  Ollie spills tea on Aly.  And then kisses her hand.  Very smooth.

“Ridge, it’s a PR nightmare.”  Seriously, Eric, how many times have you been caught with your pants down?  Ah, here we go:  Eric doesn’t want Brooke with Bill.  Is he afraid Dollar Bill will try to take over?  Ding ding ding!  Eric tells Ridge if he gets back in Brooke’s bed, he’ll give him the CEO job.  Jeez, how does a man compete with that?  Drama-free love versus sex on the desk?  I’d rather see Ridge and Taylor.  But that’s just me.  Eric really isn’t setting a good example of manhood and integrity for either of his sons.  Then again, I guess that is nothing new.

The good news is that Hunter Tylo will be reprising her role of Taylor beginning April 25^th and continuing through May.  I’m sure she will be used as a prop for other characters and storylines, but I will take what I can get at this point.  I doubt I’ll be tuning in again until she returns—aside from the New Ridge, the show remains cluttered by too many young hair models.

The Young and the Restless

Once the gold standard of the soap opera world, this show has fallen on hard times in the years following Bill Bell’s death.  I gave up watching as soon as Conor was fitted with Delia’s retinas/corneas/irises/bone marrow, having been disgusted by the senseless murder of a young child and legacy character.  I only returned long enough to see Billy and Adam depart, though Billy was un-recast days later.  The few snippets I’ve seen over the past two months have done nothing to inspire me.  Victoria and Stitch?  Yawn.  Dylan and Avery?  Tie them up in her apartment and turn on the gas.  At least we are in the midst of a Shick redux:  yes, readers, Nick and Sharon have found their way back into each other’s pants, if not hearts, in time for their twentieth anniversary.  I was watching in those long-ago days when Nick came home from Switzerland and Sharon had three different faces across one torrid Wisconsin summer.  I’ve been asked to write a Shick-themed blog at some point, and will do so.

My gentle thoughts on April 4, 2014, an episode with little to recommend it.

Those damned establishing shots.  This isn’t DALLAS—what’s with all the skyscrapers and houses before a scene can even begin?

Abby and Tyler are engaged. Honestly, who cares?  They’re like Ken and Barbie, only less lifelike.  I’m sure Melissa Ordway is a lovely person, but she doesn’t fit into this show.  At all.

Poor Stitch.  Sean Carrigan is the most interesting addition to this show during the Phelps regime, and he’s saddled to Dullan McStupid and Victoria.  Yawn.  Yawn.  Where’s my No-Doze?

An establishing shot of the police station? Well, at least Paul is onscreen.  Kevin and Chloe remarried?  Again, who is writing this show?  They were a dreadful couple from day one, and it’s little wonder she’s planning to depart the show.  Killing Delia and eliminating the Upstairs/Downstairs nature of Chloe’s relationships with Billy, Chance, and Ronan exterminated her story for good. Oh, God, here’s Victor coming along to threaten everyone into submission.  Hilarious that this show had the nerve to do an anti-bullying storyline with the Black Knight running around yelling at everyone in Genoa City.  The irony is thick in here.

Chelsea and Chloe at Crimson Lights.  Moving on. Quickly.  Remember when it was possible to write a soap heroine without mental illness creeping into the picture?  Chloe is looking rough.  How sad.  Now she and Chelsea are arguing about their fashion line.  “You think I’m psycho!”

Praise God for Peter Bergman.  Without question, he is the best actor left working in daytime.  I still can’t quite cope with the Billy recast.  It’s like Jack is talking to a stranger, even if David Tom did play that role years upon years ago.

Back to Vicky and Abby.  Blech.  At least the segments seem shorter and the commercial breaks longer.  Am I the only person who misses Tucker and Ashley?  Another couple gone over the dam, and another bridge burned.

Back to Dullan and Stitch.  Wouldn’t be funny if Stitch had a girlfriend named Lilo?  I guess Dullan wants to know if Stitch boned his half-sister.  Kinky.

I like that Billy is applying for a job at Jabot.  Abbotts should always work at Jabot.  Taking them out of the family company and having them run, um, restaurants, is just goofy.  Killing off Delia was such a huge error in judgment.  Even if soaps don’t survive another ten years, think about all of the potential stories we have lost—the kid developing a personality of her own, possibly being a pawn in the never-ending Chloe-Billy battle; the potential was endless for Cordelia Valentine Abbott.  And she was the grandchild of John and Jill Abbott!  It doesn’t get much better than that.  Meanwhile Jack hires Billy for Phyllis’ old job, and William says he will give it back when she comes back.  Yeah, let’s hope that never happens.  Pull the plug on Red, please.  And here comes Abby to ruin the Jack/Billy scene.  Great.  She informs Billy that Stitch and Vicky have been hanging out.  Smooth, you dumb cow.  Now your uncle/brother-in-law is upset again.  I never thought I would say this, but I miss Emme Rylan as Abby.  She was smart to head for a contract role at GH, though.  And now Jack tells Abby to hold her tongue around Billy.  Thank God—someone needed to muzzle her.  Now if it could just be done permanently.

Victor shouldn’t talk to Paul about dead sons.  Ever. 

Flashback to Victor and Chelsea.  Remember when he hated on her, after hiring her to break up Billy and Victoria’s marriage?  Now she’s the mother of his grandson, and Victor burns through kids like fire through dry wood, so I guess he kinda has to suck up to Chelsea.

Wait a minute, Jason Quartermaine and Stitch are playing basketball outdoors, in Wisconsin, in April?  I think it’s still snowing up there.  Lord, there’s Victoria running, too, and smiling at Stitch.  Ick.  Their flirting/conversation in the park is so hopelessly stilted.  Billy shows up in his business suit and dispatches with Doctor Feelgood.  Billy and Victoria talk about Stitch and their faltering marriage and I honestly can’t be bothered to care.  Because too much has happened, too many junk storylines, to care about Villy ever again.

Chelsea and Chloe continue to argue, and Kevin shows up to intervene.  I can’t believe Jason Morgan didn’t jump in.  Maybe he went to get ABC a new cupcake recipe.  Never mind, there’s Jason Q, standing at sentry.  Instead of standing around jawing, why don’t they get Chloe some therapy and anti-anxiety meds?  Dylan realizes he has better things to do and departs.  Monotone, monotone, monotone.  Kevin drags Chloe away. 

Apparently Victor is looking for Adam.  Remember when he did everything BUT run his son out of town?  Victor tells Chelsea a body was found, and that the dental records belong to Adam.  Of course, Adam previously faked his death with bone marrow.  Having his teeth pulled and dumped onto a corpse would be no challenge for him.  Chelsea is visibly upset to now be a widow.  Don’t go getting remarried, darlin’—that’s always the surest sign your beloved will come back.

“Being in the dark has its advantages.”  Truer words have seldom been spoken, Jack.

Wait a minute, Abby is talking about someone being a “home wrecker”?  Step aside, Gossip Girl.  Go paint your nails or something.

Back to Stitch and Dylan.  That was a quick run, Dr. Rayburn.  Continuity is not this show’s strong suit anymore.

Kevin and Chloe.  Zzzzzz.  I do feel sorry for Chloe, though.  Her storyline was forever terminated when her child was killed.  No matter what they do or don’t do in the future, things can never be the same now.

Mysterious guy in room, giving mysterious guy an envelope of money.  Adam, of course.  Unless it’s Skye come back from the volcano.

I definitely won’t be watching Monday.  Avery’s cooking show?  That gal from “Lost” screaming at Dylan?  That looks like a hot mess if I’ve ever seen one.  Sorry, Y&R, you’re gonna need some serious improvement in order to make me a regular viewer again.  Maybe a Shick wedding.  But weddings are always broken up by back-from-the-dead lovers or totally random revelations, so I won’t hold my breath.

I also watch “Days of our Lives”, and have since I was a young cowboy, but haven’t watched a full episode this week.  I’ll try to give it its own blog in due time.  And as we head closer to May Sweeps, I’m really hoping some or all of the soaps will give the viewers a reason to tune in, because those reasons are few and far between these days.