Soap Roundup: April Fool’s Week 2014

I’ve been too lazy to dig through my assortment of recorded episodes and do any sort of write up about them, so in lieu of that I’ve decided to speak as well as I can about what is currently on-air for the soap fan—provided they are willing to keep a very open mind.

General Hospital

I heaped praise upon GH weeks ago in this very blog, which was apparently the kiss of the death.  The show has recently gone off a cliff, devoting weeks and weeks to Sonny whining and moaning about AJ before the Quartermaine was unfortunately killed off the show, coinciding with Sean Kanan’s departure and defection back to The Brooke and The Boring.  AJ’s resurrection started out with much promise, but things turned pear-shaped when Tracey took over ELQ and ousted he, Duke, and Michael from the company.  All three characters suffered from a lack of story momentum, and I don’t think we’ve even seen Tracey visit the office since then.  AJ spent the next several months staggering around town drinking, being accused of Connie’s murder and vanishing for at least a month.  His nicely-developedromance with Liz was quashed without much thought.  AJ’s death was integrated into the show’s 51^st anniversary, an episode that featured a nice performance from Leslie Charleson while reminding us yet again that Monica’s family has been decimated; she has lost her husband and all three children, and the only other inhabitants of her home are Tracey and the increasingly-grotesque Luke (and he didn’t have far to go in that respect).  But the worst part of this all may be that Sonny has finally won:  after years of he, Carly, and Jason trying to sever AJ’s tie to his biological son, the die has been cast.  Quite frankly, Michael’s best moments over the past year and a half have been with AJ; when paired up with Napolean Mobster and Freaky KiKi, Chad Duell seems stuck in aspic.  C’est triste.  We have also had some uneven storytelling due to Robin’s departure, which was a major letdown.  I’m going to agree with another column I read—either recast her or “kill” her again, because having her play Super Doc to cure a bunch of sociopaths and murderers seems like a waste of a character who has been off and on the show since I was an infant.  This storyline has also resulted in much confusion over what to do with Patrick and Sabrina; the former performed AJ’s surgery, while the latter has all but vanished from the canvas.

Now for the good, however:  the reveal of Baby Ben’s true parentage at Nik and Britt’s engagement party was classic high-drama, trapping everyone on an island and creating a “bottle” scenario for truths to come to life and emotions to explode.  I hadn’t seen it so well done since Caroline revealed Parker’s paternity at his christening on “Days of our Lives” (and his paternity has been switched so many times that they’ll never know who the kid is).  Nik let Britt have it and tossed her from Spoon Island, but not before he ripped into Liz.  He later came by to apologize, so a point in his favor.  It will be interesting to see where Britt goes from here; she was already an outcast in Port Charles, but Nikolas loved her in spite of her shortcomings, both of them bonding over family psychoses.  Now she and Brad have reunited as friends—will they continue to be partners-in-crime or is redemption in the cards for these two?  Port Charles certainly has more than its fair share of villains running around these days, and you damned near need to wear a Kevlar vest any time you’re in the same room with Ava Jerome.  Still, I remain steadfast in my desire for some balance.  Have Michael bond with Monica now, and take his place in the Quartermaine mansion.  Bring Danny around, too.  Where is that kid, by the way?  He must have an on-call babysitter.

A final request:  give Bobbie a storyline.  Put her with Scotty if necessary.  I don’t care.  If Jacklyn Zeman is willing to do it, give her something to do.

The Bold and the Beautiful

Everyone is upset that Ridge and Katie, two single, divorced individuals, hooked up.  I guess it’s terribly sanctimonious in Forrester-land to have sex without infidelity or being a home wrecker (all eyes on you, Brooke).  But if you’ve watched this show for longer than five minutes, you know that Ridge and Brooke will eventually reconcile no matter who they have to hurt in the process.  But in other news, Oliver has been released from the basement and is having scenes with people other than nameless models.  Has anyone ever existed on a soap for so long without having a storyline?  I don’t mean wisecracking nurses and such, I mean someone who started out with genuine front-burner stories only to fade into the Daddy Yankee-induced background.  I feel sorry for Zack Conroy, though at least he still gets a paycheck.  He was such a dynamic young actor on Guiding Light, a show that was dying—a show that was dead!  It had a toe tag on it, and he was giving it his all.  But like so many before him, his vitality was zapped by Brad Bell’s loss of interest.  Even “The Young and the Restless” gave him screen time last year, in a somewhat-random crossover. What, there are no photographers in Genoa City?  Malcolm Winters, you are much missed.

So Eric has put Brooke back in the structure at Forrester Creations.  We all know that Brooke has done every position at FC—just every position—and now Eric is favoring her and Rick over Ridge.  Oh well.  I wonder if Thorsten Kaye and Jacob Young are bemused by working together in both Pine Valley and Los Angeles?  Rick accuses Ridge of throwing a hissy fit.  Well, he would be the expert.  Rick has to leave because he apparently can’t handle Aunt Katie and Brother/Step-Father Ridge kissing. Weird.

To Guiding Light land!  Oliver and Maya are talking about his being fired and Aly walks in.  Uh-oh, don’t be fooled by that smile, Ollie.  Girl is a psycho.  I’m still not sure how Aly is supposed to slot into the corporate structure.  To hear her talk, she is the COO or something, and Eric’s go-to in all personnel decisions.  Ollie asks Aly to go out with him.  Run, Ollie, run!  Back to Springfield if you can.  Aly declines because she has to feed her goldfish.  Oh, my God; they might as well have had her say she had to go home and wash her hair.  Then Ollie tells her the goldfish will be fine, and she relents.  I predict yet another addition to the long, long list of characters on this show with sexual hang-ups (Jake McLaine, James Warwick, Pamela Douglas, and even Hopeless Logan herself).

Eric is conspiring to reunite Ridge and Brooke.  Oh, my God, Eric, just marry her yourself and get it over with!  This matchmaking thing is creepy, and Stephanie would haunt you forever if your plan worked.  I’m fascinated by how Eric seems appalled by Ridge and Katie.  Didn’t he marry her other sister?  Gag.  Now Eric wants Ridge and Brooke to be the face of Forrester Creations, at least until Baby Rick and Anorexoline take over someday.  Still not sure why those two were paired up and married off.  Now Ridge is trying to get Eric to put him back in charge of FC.  Did I mention that I miss Stephanie?  This show is random without her to guide it.  Well, at least Thorsten Kaye and John McCook seem more age-appropriate as father and son.  Regardless of Massimo.  Also, it’s more than a little kinky that Eric is trying to blackmail Ridge with Brooke.  I wanna cringe, but I shouldn’t be surprised. 

Poor Carter and Maya.  Do these two have anything to do but sit around and stare into each other’s eyes?  Ollie and Aly arrive at the restaurant (aww, how cute—even their names rhyme!) and it looks like he wants some of that.  He might as well—this is the most story Oliver has had in years.  Oh, dear.  I am seeing shades of Kyle and Summer here.  Apparently Carter is friends with Ridge.  This is so odd.

Brooke and Katie.  “I hear you have a new position.”  Nah, Katie, Brooke has done them all.  LOL.  I wonder if they would ever actually let Katie win in a fight versus Brooke.  You can tell they’ve been pushing the Ridge/Katie pairing in the press, but I don’t know how long they’ll run with it.  “So am I supposed to be Taylor in this situation?”  Go, Katie!  Smack her head!  Bite her!  Okay, the catfight was in my imagination.  At least they’ve given Katie a backbone.

“You’re staring.”  Geez, Carter, what else does Maia have to do but stare at the other stories happening around her?  Ollie spills tea on Aly.  And then kisses her hand.  Very smooth.

“Ridge, it’s a PR nightmare.”  Seriously, Eric, how many times have you been caught with your pants down?  Ah, here we go:  Eric doesn’t want Brooke with Bill.  Is he afraid Dollar Bill will try to take over?  Ding ding ding!  Eric tells Ridge if he gets back in Brooke’s bed, he’ll give him the CEO job.  Jeez, how does a man compete with that?  Drama-free love versus sex on the desk?  I’d rather see Ridge and Taylor.  But that’s just me.  Eric really isn’t setting a good example of manhood and integrity for either of his sons.  Then again, I guess that is nothing new.

The good news is that Hunter Tylo will be reprising her role of Taylor beginning April 25^th and continuing through May.  I’m sure she will be used as a prop for other characters and storylines, but I will take what I can get at this point.  I doubt I’ll be tuning in again until she returns—aside from the New Ridge, the show remains cluttered by too many young hair models.

The Young and the Restless

Once the gold standard of the soap opera world, this show has fallen on hard times in the years following Bill Bell’s death.  I gave up watching as soon as Conor was fitted with Delia’s retinas/corneas/irises/bone marrow, having been disgusted by the senseless murder of a young child and legacy character.  I only returned long enough to see Billy and Adam depart, though Billy was un-recast days later.  The few snippets I’ve seen over the past two months have done nothing to inspire me.  Victoria and Stitch?  Yawn.  Dylan and Avery?  Tie them up in her apartment and turn on the gas.  At least we are in the midst of a Shick redux:  yes, readers, Nick and Sharon have found their way back into each other’s pants, if not hearts, in time for their twentieth anniversary.  I was watching in those long-ago days when Nick came home from Switzerland and Sharon had three different faces across one torrid Wisconsin summer.  I’ve been asked to write a Shick-themed blog at some point, and will do so.

My gentle thoughts on April 4, 2014, an episode with little to recommend it.

Those damned establishing shots.  This isn’t DALLAS—what’s with all the skyscrapers and houses before a scene can even begin?

Abby and Tyler are engaged. Honestly, who cares?  They’re like Ken and Barbie, only less lifelike.  I’m sure Melissa Ordway is a lovely person, but she doesn’t fit into this show.  At all.

Poor Stitch.  Sean Carrigan is the most interesting addition to this show during the Phelps regime, and he’s saddled to Dullan McStupid and Victoria.  Yawn.  Yawn.  Where’s my No-Doze?

An establishing shot of the police station? Well, at least Paul is onscreen.  Kevin and Chloe remarried?  Again, who is writing this show?  They were a dreadful couple from day one, and it’s little wonder she’s planning to depart the show.  Killing Delia and eliminating the Upstairs/Downstairs nature of Chloe’s relationships with Billy, Chance, and Ronan exterminated her story for good. Oh, God, here’s Victor coming along to threaten everyone into submission.  Hilarious that this show had the nerve to do an anti-bullying storyline with the Black Knight running around yelling at everyone in Genoa City.  The irony is thick in here.

Chelsea and Chloe at Crimson Lights.  Moving on. Quickly.  Remember when it was possible to write a soap heroine without mental illness creeping into the picture?  Chloe is looking rough.  How sad.  Now she and Chelsea are arguing about their fashion line.  “You think I’m psycho!”

Praise God for Peter Bergman.  Without question, he is the best actor left working in daytime.  I still can’t quite cope with the Billy recast.  It’s like Jack is talking to a stranger, even if David Tom did play that role years upon years ago.

Back to Vicky and Abby.  Blech.  At least the segments seem shorter and the commercial breaks longer.  Am I the only person who misses Tucker and Ashley?  Another couple gone over the dam, and another bridge burned.

Back to Dullan and Stitch.  Wouldn’t be funny if Stitch had a girlfriend named Lilo?  I guess Dullan wants to know if Stitch boned his half-sister.  Kinky.

I like that Billy is applying for a job at Jabot.  Abbotts should always work at Jabot.  Taking them out of the family company and having them run, um, restaurants, is just goofy.  Killing off Delia was such a huge error in judgment.  Even if soaps don’t survive another ten years, think about all of the potential stories we have lost—the kid developing a personality of her own, possibly being a pawn in the never-ending Chloe-Billy battle; the potential was endless for Cordelia Valentine Abbott.  And she was the grandchild of John and Jill Abbott!  It doesn’t get much better than that.  Meanwhile Jack hires Billy for Phyllis’ old job, and William says he will give it back when she comes back.  Yeah, let’s hope that never happens.  Pull the plug on Red, please.  And here comes Abby to ruin the Jack/Billy scene.  Great.  She informs Billy that Stitch and Vicky have been hanging out.  Smooth, you dumb cow.  Now your uncle/brother-in-law is upset again.  I never thought I would say this, but I miss Emme Rylan as Abby.  She was smart to head for a contract role at GH, though.  And now Jack tells Abby to hold her tongue around Billy.  Thank God—someone needed to muzzle her.  Now if it could just be done permanently.

Victor shouldn’t talk to Paul about dead sons.  Ever. 

Flashback to Victor and Chelsea.  Remember when he hated on her, after hiring her to break up Billy and Victoria’s marriage?  Now she’s the mother of his grandson, and Victor burns through kids like fire through dry wood, so I guess he kinda has to suck up to Chelsea.

Wait a minute, Jason Quartermaine and Stitch are playing basketball outdoors, in Wisconsin, in April?  I think it’s still snowing up there.  Lord, there’s Victoria running, too, and smiling at Stitch.  Ick.  Their flirting/conversation in the park is so hopelessly stilted.  Billy shows up in his business suit and dispatches with Doctor Feelgood.  Billy and Victoria talk about Stitch and their faltering marriage and I honestly can’t be bothered to care.  Because too much has happened, too many junk storylines, to care about Villy ever again.

Chelsea and Chloe continue to argue, and Kevin shows up to intervene.  I can’t believe Jason Morgan didn’t jump in.  Maybe he went to get ABC a new cupcake recipe.  Never mind, there’s Jason Q, standing at sentry.  Instead of standing around jawing, why don’t they get Chloe some therapy and anti-anxiety meds?  Dylan realizes he has better things to do and departs.  Monotone, monotone, monotone.  Kevin drags Chloe away. 

Apparently Victor is looking for Adam.  Remember when he did everything BUT run his son out of town?  Victor tells Chelsea a body was found, and that the dental records belong to Adam.  Of course, Adam previously faked his death with bone marrow.  Having his teeth pulled and dumped onto a corpse would be no challenge for him.  Chelsea is visibly upset to now be a widow.  Don’t go getting remarried, darlin’—that’s always the surest sign your beloved will come back.

“Being in the dark has its advantages.”  Truer words have seldom been spoken, Jack.

Wait a minute, Abby is talking about someone being a “home wrecker”?  Step aside, Gossip Girl.  Go paint your nails or something.

Back to Stitch and Dylan.  That was a quick run, Dr. Rayburn.  Continuity is not this show’s strong suit anymore.

Kevin and Chloe.  Zzzzzz.  I do feel sorry for Chloe, though.  Her storyline was forever terminated when her child was killed.  No matter what they do or don’t do in the future, things can never be the same now.

Mysterious guy in room, giving mysterious guy an envelope of money.  Adam, of course.  Unless it’s Skye come back from the volcano.

I definitely won’t be watching Monday.  Avery’s cooking show?  That gal from “Lost” screaming at Dylan?  That looks like a hot mess if I’ve ever seen one.  Sorry, Y&R, you’re gonna need some serious improvement in order to make me a regular viewer again.  Maybe a Shick wedding.  But weddings are always broken up by back-from-the-dead lovers or totally random revelations, so I won’t hold my breath.

I also watch “Days of our Lives”, and have since I was a young cowboy, but haven’t watched a full episode this week.  I’ll try to give it its own blog in due time.  And as we head closer to May Sweeps, I’m really hoping some or all of the soaps will give the viewers a reason to tune in, because those reasons are few and far between these days.

   

The Bold and the Beautiful: Taylor Comes Home

When Taylor fled Eric’s bedroom last July in the fallout of her revealing Brooke’s miscarriage, my long relationship with The Bold and the Beautiful ended.  I check in every now and then, and the Internet makes it very easy to keep up with the plots of all the soaps remaining on air.  B&B has only had one or two plots the past few years, which also helps.  Stop watching for six months and you won’t miss a thing.

Currently Thorne’s daughter with Darla (RIP) appears to have come down with a case of Soap Psycho Syndrome.  Apparently she has some past claim or misguided obsession with Max Brady—er, Wyatt Fuller—who is Hope’s boyfriend of the current five minutes.

Blessing of soap blessings—Taylor enters Eric’s office looking lovely as ever.  Apparently she is still seeing patients but has fled to Paris to be closer to Thomas and Steffy.  There is also a bit of reminiscing about Stephanie and some discussion that Ridge #2 has reunited with Brooke.  It would have been better to see her with the new Ridge in this episode, but I suppose we can’t have everything.

Back in Paris, Ally is in full-on psycho mode, telling Wyatt to get his grimy hands off Hopeless.  Run, Max, don’t walk, back to Salem! Stock footage of Paris, then Thorne and Brooke enter the room.  Oh, hey, there’s Thomas.  Presumably this is the first time Thomas and Ally have seen each other since before they both caught SORAS.  Max Brady has decided to market a collection of Stephanie’s jewelry.  Ally looks irritated.

Eric and Taylor discuss Ally.  Of course Young Hopeless was the one who spilled the beans to Young Ally about Taylor accidentally killing Darla, so maybe she should have issues with Hope rather than her current BF.  Hmm, Hope seems to be having trouble keeping a straight face.  Well, Darin Brooks is a funny guy.  Wyatt wants to sell jewelry and everyone agrees, although Ally freaks out again.  Sigh.  Thorne and Thomas work to reassure Ally that the jewelry collection will honor Stephanie, but Ally is spouting that old gibberish about Hope having morals, principles, and values.  Didn’t she shack up with a married man? 

Praise God, back to Taylor and Eric.  Flashbacks to Taylor, Thorne, and Young Ally, back when this show actually still made a modicum of sense.  Well, there we have the scene where Ally destroyed Taylor’s wedding dress.  On this show, though, the closets should be full of dresses.  A Forrester closet must be even better than a bridal boutique.

Hope tells Wyatt that Ally seems to hate him.  Hope is turned on by Wyatt.  Blah, blah, blah.  She leaves Max Brady—um, Wyatt—and Ally comes in and gives him the stink eye.  Apparently Ally wanted Hope to marry Liam—didn’t they do that in Italy two years ago?—and feels that Hopeless has compromised her “values”.  God, no wonder I gave up this show so easily.

Hope talks to Brooke and Thorne about Ally and they discuss much she used to look up to Hope.  Her “message” was super important. Lord.  Back to Ally and Wyatt, where Ally is blathering on about Liam’s better qualities.  Must be watching a different show than me, sweetheart.  Wyatt tells Ally that he and Hope are now members of the Mile High Club and she slaps him and fires him from Forrester Creations.  WTF?  Who gave this child Human Resources power?  I didn’t know she’d taken over for Eric.

Fade to black.  That’s it?  No more Eric and Taylor?  Lame.  Looks like I’m back to not watching, unless Taylor comes back for a repeat business.  Permanently would be better, though.   

                                                     Credit: CBS/Bell-Philip Television

  

General Hospital Turns Thirteen (Thousand)

When 2013 began, my daily television diet consisted of The Young and the Restless, The Bold and the Beautiful, and the same-day rerun of Days of our Lives courtesy of SoapNet. By the end of the year, I had picked up General Hospital and dumped the other three, though I did watch several episodes of Days just before SoapNet (RIP) went dark.  What happened, you may wonder?  GH was the only soap that was any fun to watch.  Y&R began to lose core cast members like rats fleeing a sinking ship, while adding so many new characters and recasting others that my mute button got a serious workout.  B&B senselessly killed off Steffy and Liam’s baby and wrote out Hunter Tylo in order to shove yet another Hope-centric triangle down our throats.  And Days, while well-written, has too much Sami and EJ for my taste.  If you’re a fan of their pairing, bully for you.  The only DiMera I like is Lexie, and she’s currently not acting outside the Salem Cemetery.

Let me get the fan boy routine out of the way before I begin:  I love Genie Francis.  Loved her as Laura, loved her as Diana Colville, and loved her as Genevieve Atkinson.  I would follow her to the gates of Soap Hell and back.  My main impetus for returning to GH, a show I had watched in the glory days of 1994 and 1995, was the return of Laura Spencer.  While Laura’s return was ultimately something of a disappointment—she was gone by Thanksgiving—there was something nice about seeing her back in Port Charles again, going on another fool adventure with Luke and battling the Cassadines like the good old days (which occurred before I was born).  General Hospital also celebrated its fiftieth anniversary with a two-day marathon on SoapNet, which aired episodes from the very beginning.  To finally see Luke and Laura’s wedding, and the first meeting and wedding of Frisco and Felicia, and to revisit young Brenda, Jax, Jason, AJ, Ned, Lois, Jagger, and Miguel—not to mention Bobbie and Tony—was a real treat.  I only wish I’d been able to record the entire thing and save it for posterity.  Soaps used to be about romance, adventure, heartaches, healing, and overcoming challenges.  Nowadays they are more often than not about heartache and suffering, with little happiness and even less romance.

The reason GH remains on my viewing schedule throughout its fiftieth season is the skillful way the writers balance the tone of their storylines.  While Dante and Lulu were devastated over losing their baby in a custody battle, elsewhere in Port Charles Robin was being reunited with her loved ones.  The circumstances surrounding Connie’s death have played out a mystery for months (though most viewers undoubtedly know that “AJ” stood for “Ava Jerome”, right?)  The show isn’t perfect, of course—not every storyline works, but enough of them do to matter.  A perfect example can be found in the two episodes of Y&R that CBS aired last Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day; both were from 1998 and featured characters such as Katherine (how we miss thee) and Jill, Brad and Jack, Ryan, Victor and Nikki (in saner days), Nick and Sharon (our beloved Shick) and were masterworks of pacing and drama.  But said episodes also featured Jennifer Gareis.  You win some, you lose some.

GH’s anniversary coincided with a revival of the Nurse’s Ball, a 90’s staple that had been tossed onto the trash heap when the show decided to venture into much-too-dark-for-daytime territory.  Viewers got to see Frisco, Bobbie, Brenda, Jax, and Noah Drake return to the canvas briefly, along with the presumed-dead Stavros Cassadine.  Bobbie is still in town visiting, and Felicia and Mac were reunited in marriage.  Nikolas, Lucy, Kevin, and Scotty have also taken up permanent residence in town once again.  Robert sadly came and went, but Anna and Duke are here for the long haul.  To see old friends and new ones interact is what soap opera is all about—multigenerational storytelling that is shared through families and loved ones, passed down from others to us.  Many of those with whom I watched soaps in my formative years passed on a long time ago.  Even lapsed soap fans felt a piece of their life ripped away from them when the Guiding Light was dimmed and As the World Turns stopped.  I still think Days of our Lives is one of the best ever at fully integrating its cast—Maggie Horton and Caroline Brady are tentpoles and beacons for their family and friends, much in the way Dr. Tom and Alice Horton were for much of the show’s first thirty years.  Alice remained an important figure through 2007, and the Hortons are still, in my mind, one of the quintessential soap families.  While GH has sadly said goodbye to the elder Quartermaines Edward and Lila, I wish there could be more interaction between Monica and her grandchildren, Michael and Danny.  While Danny may not be a blood relation, Monica’s connection to Jason is unbreakable even by death.

But I’ve gone off on a tangent.  We’re here to talk about GH’s 13,000 episode.  Now that’s an accomplishment.  We begin our day at the MetroCourt, where Sonny has moved his “coffee importing business” to Connie’s old office.

Sean begins to thell Sonny who has been bankrolling the Jeromes.  My suspicion is that it’s Ric Lansing.  It helps that I’ve been following Rick Heart on Facebook for several years now, so if my guess is wrong, I’ll just blame him!  But these things must be drawn out for at least forty minutes, and I can see that even Sonny is growing frustrated.  Sean mentions something about dummy corporations and Sonny immediately blames the Quartermaines.  Then Sean mentions Barrett Enterprises which is meaningless to me.  We learn that Brenda inherited this corporation and it was apparently run by her sister.  I only remember the highpoints of Brenda and her love stories, but not her backstory.  Sean then tries to convince Sonny to call Brenda, and we go through a brief sojourn back to the Nurse’s Ball last year.   After a brief chat with his soul mate, Sonny tells Sean that majority interest in the corporation has been sold.  But we don’t know to whom!  Stay tuned…

Alexis and Julian play with Danny.  Despite their sordid history—or perhaps because of it—these two have a palpable chemistry, and share an obvious mutual attraction.  Still, Alexis’s reluctance is understandable—the revelation that Sam is Julian’s daughter meant that all three of her children were the spawn of mob kingpins.  Love in Port Charles only seems to run in one direction.  Julian tries to leave, but he and Alexis are magnetized to each other.  Kissing ensues.  Before Alexis can rip Julian’s all-black outfit from his well-defined body, a knock comes at the door.  Rafe alert!  Rafe alert!  Looks like he’s going to c*ckblock two relationships tonight.  Anyway, they leave Rafe to look after Danny while they flee toward the hotel in search of Molly’s chastity.  Poor Daniel Edward Morgan—he’s being tossed from sitter to sitter while Sam and Si take their show on the road.  Fast forward to the end of the episode, where there’s a knock at the door.  Hey, there’s Ric Lansing!  I nearly freaked out.  Nice to see you back on daytime, Mr. Hearst.

Elsewhere Ava meets with Carlos.  With Ava and Julian on the outs due to her relationship with Morgan, Ava is trying to surmise who is backing their organization.  She doesn’t know who the money man is?  Interesting.  Ava and Julian work together for the “greater good”, but they clearly don’t work together very well.  Interesting family dynamic going on between those two.

AJ hangs out in the cemetery, drinking himself into oblivion.  His imbibing conjures Connie’s ghost/aura/spirit/image/apparition.  The Connie rendered by AJ’s subconscious is actually a bit more fun than the late, lamented Real Thing.  She was a perfectly enjoyable character, but DID has a limited shelf life on soap unless Erika Slezak is playing the role.  But I’m just happy to see Sean Kanan on the screen, which hasn’t been the norm over the past several months.  Storylines cross paths when AJ stumbles from the cemetery to the Floating Rib, where he begins to interrogate Ava.  Carlos tries to remove AJ from the vicinity, but Ava defuses the situation.  Then she tells AJ he reeks of vodka.  Oops.  AJ keeps trying to get at the truth about Connie’s murder, while Ava threatens to tell Michael what she saw on the surveillance tapes.  The footage she conveniently destroyed, of course.  Ava is a femme fatale, people—they can’t be trusted with the truth!  AJ gets aggressive and Carlos drags him outside. When Carlos returns to the table, the truth emerges:  a convenient trip into Ava’s mind shows that after AJ stumbled out of the Crimson Publishing offices, Connie was still alive and well.  Hmm.

Michael and Kiki.  Can I just say that “Kiki” is the Worst Soap Name ever?  Either of her given names, “Lauren” and “Katherine”, would be preferable.  But names don’t even matter in this case, because these two just don’t have it.  The actors may have it, but the characters are dramatic dead weight when blissfully happy.  The drama involving Kiki, Franco, John McBain—er, Silas—is the only interesting thing to happen to this duo in MONTHS.  Michael wants Starr—er, Kiki—to apologize.  She’s too busy babysitting Rafe, though, so she’s not going home with Michael tonight.  You win some, you lose some, buddy.

Another bout of Molly/TJ/Rafe has broken out.  Molly and TJ don’t really work for me, in the same way that young soap love so rarely works these days.  I haven’t seen a teen pairing on soap in the past ten years that worked.  I suppose it would be hard to recapture a Holden/Lily, or Nick/Sharon, or Philip/Beth story nowadays.  Anyway, the young lovers have checked into the MetroCourt and been given a sermon by Olivia on how to be safe.  I’ve determined that there is no such thing as safe sex on a soap opera.  Even abstinence doesn’t seem one-hundred-percent effective.  They dine on room service.  I don’t know what Molly was drinking, but surely Olivia didn’t send up wine?  Maybe it was sparkling soda.  Afterward Molly and TJ change into their sex clothes.  Don’t get your hopes up, kids.  They are under the covers but still dressed when there’s a knock at the door.  Hey, there’s Alexis and Julian!  And Alexis is giving The Look.

Patrick and Robin drama.  Robin’s return to the show was one of the top soap moments on 2013—maybe the top moment—but the storyline has been somewhat marred by external factors.  Obviously Kimberly McCullough has her own ambitions outside the show and didn’t have to return at all, but chose to give the fans some closure.  And, I mean, she’s been on this show since she was a child.  They couldn’t very well kill Robin.  The storyline is a bit like overcooked spaghetti buried under amazing sauce, or hot fudge dumped atop freezer-burned ice cream.  Everyone’s initial joy was quickly tempered by Sabrina’s pregnancy announcement, Patrick waffling between the two women, and Robin’s decision less than three months later to flee Port Charles to cure Jason.  Are they planning to recast Jason?  I’m sure there are several men out there who could fill the part—I’d put my money on Timothy Adams if he wasn’t New York-based—but fans are often the biggest obstacle in the recast game. Robin tells Patrick she wants one last night together, but Patrick is feeling a different kind of anxiety.  Having to grieve for his wife once, now twice, is doing a number on his psyche.  Finally Patrick submits to his desires and takes Robin to bed.  I hope Rafe doesn’t show up there, too, because then no one would get loved in this episode.  Alas, it goes off without a hitch.  Let the music play, let the clothes come off.  After the love scenes, Robin tells Patrick she will return to him someday, and they will be together again.  Bittersweet, but hopeful.

All in all, a decent episode if not celebratory in an outward way.  It’s clear that there are enough interesting storylines designed to carry the show forward into its fifty-first year, though if Ava keeps shooting people the hospital is going to be overrun with casualties, and I’m not sure Dr. Patrick Drake can be everywhere at once.  Now if they could just bring Laura home again, things would be perfect.  And maybe Stefan Cassadine…

                                                                     Credit:  ABC

The Many Weddings of Ridge and Taylor

I don't mean anything after Taylor's second Lazarus act, either--I'm speaking here of Ridge and Taylor's honest-to-goodness, no interruptions, "till death do us part" weddings.


Of all the soaps that have ever aired—and remain on the air—The Bold and the Beautiful was the one I watched the most consistently.  From 2008 until 2013, I watched daily, rarely missing an episode unless I was on vacation.  In graduate school the show aired while I was working or in class, but I would wait religiously for the day’s episode to be posted on CBS.com around six each evening.  I also watched the show as a toddler, during the last glory days of daytime soap, from its beginnings until 1993 or so.  I own two of the DVD sets and have watched countless hours and clips from the interim thanks to the wonders of YouTube and other internet sites.  I have a pretty good grasp of the show’s history.  I definitely miss when it contained an element of romance and the promise of fashion wars between Forrester Creations and either Spectra or Jackie M.  Over the years, particularly since 2006 or so, the show’s cast has been decimated.  It seemed like anyone who wasn’t related to Brooke by blood became expendable.  For an admitted fan of Stephanie and Taylor and any storyline where they might intersect, I found this less than appealing.  Things really began to nosedive with the retirement of Susan Flannery and the death of matriarch Stephanie Forrester. While resulting storylines were initially fine, things quickly became screwy with Eric putting Rick and Thomas in a fashion competition and Brooke bedding down with her brother-in-law, Bill.  The senseless murder of Steffy and Liam’s baby and Brooke’s absurd change-of-life pregnancy were more or less the final straw for me; when Hunter Tylo was randomly taken off contract, B&B was taken of my viewing schedule.  The Young and the Restless followed several months later following years of poor writing and the death of Jeanne Cooper.  Ah, but I promised to talk about Ridge and Taylor.  Here we go…

The Brooke-Ridge-Taylor triangle occupies many viewers’ minds as the most prominent story in a show that has aired for not quite thirty years.  For all intents and purposes, the glory days of this storyline were 1990-1997.  When Ridge married Taylor in order to raise Thomas as a family—they later gave birth to twins Steffy and Phoebe—storylines changed and took Brooke into different orbits.   She never quite stopped sniffing around her “destiny” but he and Taylor remained married until her death in 2002—an eternity in soap time that only seems surpassed by Nick and Sharon’s ten-year marriage on Y&R (I’m excluding Tom and Alice Horton of Days and the Hughes of As the World Turns for the sake of brevity).  One of the more hilarious aspects of Brooke and Ridge’s marriages is that they never seem to be valid.  At least twice they married following Taylor’s death (1994 and 2002) and both marriages were nulled by Taylor’s resurrections.  Even subsequent efforts didn’t work out—Ridge left Brooke to raise Thomas, and Brooke dumped Ridge an innumerable number of times for Nick Marone, Ridge’s half-brother and her own daughter’s on-again off-again husband.  While Taylor “won” Ridge back in the 90s—he was never much of a prize but always seemed ten times smarter while married to Dr. Hayes—Hunter Tylo’s 2005 return to the show signaled a new era in which Brooke always won. Taylor was forced in alcoholism, making her a “lesser” choice; a parallel can be found in the Brooke-Thorne-Macy triangle as well.  Ridge and Taylor reconciliations post-2005 were always quickly undone in favor of Brooke; The Logan Queen couldn’t even handle Taylor’s marriage to Nick and tried to derail that at every turn.  In one of the more sickening storylines I can recall, Taylor was forced to give up her child with Nick (Jack Marone) because he was result of Brooke’s egg.  Countless children are adopted, fostered, and created via embryos in this country every year, and yet an intelligent doctor couldn’t “love” her own son and had to give him up?  Jack quickly vanished after feeble attempts by Nick’s subsequent women to “mother” him.  Even Nick is gone now.

In the glory days, though, things were good.  Ridge and Taylor’s first wedding in 1992 is one of the best I have ever seen.  Hunter Tylo was immaculately styled in wardrobe, hair, and makeup, and the ceremony was filmed on location at a real chapel as opposed to the living rooms where every other marriage seems to occur.  According to “The Bold and the Beautiful: A Tenth Anniversary Celebration”, this was done on a remote Pepperdine College.  This episode also seemed to bring out nearly every single cast member on the show in 1992—a visit to Spectra Fashions reveals Sally talking with Macy, Darla, Saul, and Clarke.  They just don’t make them like Darlene Conley anymore.

                                                   Credit: CBS/Bell-Philip Television

Across town, Eric has hired Sheila Carter to babysit Rick.  Sheila is the absolute last person you should ever hire to do anything, but she livens things up.  Brooke is also nauseous and a visit to the doctor reveals she’s pregnant.  Of course she’s knocked up!  That’s what happens on any soap when you’ve been fooling around with two different partners.

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At the church, Stephanie shows concern and wonders where Brooke is.  While Stephanie and Brooke were mortal enemies, Brooke’s possible reconciliation with Ridge would have meant a potential reconciliation for her and Eric.  As it turned out, Eric moved on quickly…with Sheila.  But I am jumping ahead of myself.

                                                     Credit: CBS/Bell-Philip Television

In the varying wedding scenes, Taylor looks truly stunning.  You can see that she is a woman who is blissfully happy and ready to spend a lifetime loving Ridge.

Credit: CBS/Bell-Philip Television

Malibu Barbie—er, Brooke—drives like a crazy person to get to the church on time following her visit with the doctor.  However the wedding goes off without a hitch, and Brooke arrives at the chapel too late.  Suffer, cow, suffer.

Credit: CBS/Bell-Philip Television

All in all, an excellent episode filled with mystery, suspense, and the requisite amount of romance.  The wedding also featured appearances by Ridge’s sisters Kristen and Felicia, Taylor’s father, brother, and ex-husband, Bill Spencer and his daughter Karen.  Only Margo and Jake seem to have been absent, and I believe both departed the show that same year.

Ridge and Taylor’s second wedding fast-forwards things to 1998 or so, the era of teenage Rick being “babysat” by Amber.  Oh, what great parents Eric and Brooke were.  Following the birth of Thomas and the revelation that he was the boy’s father, Ridge leaves Brooke for Taylor and his child.  Ridge and Taylor were reunited in marriage in what the characters tell us is apparently a night wedding.  Really?  I’ve heard of people being married at midnight on New Year’s Eve, but B&B seems to have a fascination with people getting married under cover of darkness.

Look, Stephanie and Duke Lavery—er, Dr James Warwick!

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Taylor’s father Jack Hamilton makes a return appearance at this wedding.  Other guests are Thorne (now played by Winsor Harmon), Eric and Lauren Fenmore, Macy and Grant Chambers, and of course baby Thomas.  Clarke escorts Brooke—dressed like a beekeeper—to the wedding, and tries to prevent Stephanie from discovering her there.  Ridge and Brooke remarry without incident, despite Brooke lifting her veil and capturing Ridge’s eye.  Following the ceremony, Brooke remains alone and teary-eyed in the chapel.  Finally she launches into one of those soliloquys that only soaps do, talking to the altar about how she plans to live her life to the fullest with or without Ridge.  Of course this will lead her into relationships with Thorne and her son-in-law Deacon, the latter of which will result in a child.  But for now Ridge and Taylor were happy, and soon after remarrying would conceive twins, Steffy and Phoebe.

Credit: CBS/Bell-Philip Television

In the final wedding, Ridge and Taylor renew their vows in St. Thomas, where he first proposed marriage to her on a beautifully-done remote storyline in 1992.  This particular vow renewal was a reaffirmation of their marriage following Ridge’s bizarre impregnation of his high school girlfriend, Morgan DeWitt.  After the wedding Morgan kidnapped Steffy and the family was led to believe she had died.  When Taylor finally found Steffy, Morgan had draped her in a red wig.  Sarah Buxton was a great villain on “Sunset Beach”, but Brad Bell clearly had no clue what to do with her over the long run.  But for now, Ridge and Taylor’s honeymoon begins and ends with them having pizza and watching cartoons with their children.

                                                  Credit: CBS/Bell-Philip Television

    It’s a shame that Taylor isn’t currently on canvas now that Ridge had been recast with Thorsten Kaye.  I would be interested to see how they interact together or if they (hopefully) possessed some chemistry.  I was a huge fan of Taylor’s pairing with Whip Jones (Emmy-Award Winner Rick Heart, whose Alan-Michael Spaulding makes up some of my earliest soap memories) before he vanished into the recurring hinterland.   With apologies to Ronn Moss, Thorsten out-acts, out-classes and out-does him in pretty much every way, though Ronn’s Ridge was far more tolerable pre-2009, especially paired with his “Doc”.